It's been a while...

Do I really want to start this again? I'm not sure, but I'm so inspired by the blogs of many dear friends, and I've had a few things on my heart that I thought worth sharing, so good or bad, right or wrong, I'm re-entering the blogosphere.

The biggest thing on my heart and mind lately is the idea of insecurity. I'll use that word specifically because it's the subject of a book I'm reading, and I also like it better than the term 'self-esteem'. I don't know about anybody else, but my insecurities have plagued me for as long as I can remember. My mother tells stories of me as a fearless 4 & 5 year old, so I don't know exactly when or why they started. All I know is that they've been crippling, nearly life-long companions, and that they're sinful. It's interesting that this book has come to my attention in the last two weeks as I've had this subject on my mind for the last few months. Okay, it's always been on my mind, but lately it's been on my mind in the sense that it must be done away with and conquered. For good? Maybe (hopefully!) Or maybe it'll be something that I have to come back to every once in a while. Whatever the case, it's been on my heart so I decided it needed to be dealt with.

I'm learning just how very wrong my insecurities are. First, because they have me focusing just too much attention on myself. Secondly, because Jesus didn't set me free only to become a prisoner to myself. The reason I'm so enjoying this book is because it doesn't once say "c'mon, don't be insecure. you're a great person. blah blah blah." Nope. It talks about how great God is rescuing us from all the chains that bind us. We've been bought at great cost, and we now find our worth in the Great Shepherd of the sheep, this King of kings, Lord of lords. I don't say this in the "you're a princess, your father is the King" kind of way, but rather, if I place any value at all on Jesus Christ and what He has done, I'll get my eyes OFF MY SELF and firmly onto Him where they belong. I know insecurities are painful and often take root for very legitimate reasons, but don't you (*I*) see that they're just another way the enemy causes us to take our eyes off our Rescuer? We've been so deceived into thinking that we must think well of ourselves, love ourselves, value ourselves, that pride has snuck in without us even knowing. And just so you know, I think being insecure is prideful as well; maybe a form of false-pride, but pride nonetheless. I don't think that's a shocking statement, but maybe it is. Let's have a chat if that's the case. Better yet, come for coffee and a chat. I'd LOVE that! By the way, I enjoy a tall-nonfat-no whip-peppermint mocha. Just sayin'.

I'm finding that there is great freedom in taking my eyes off my self. "The slave does not remain in the house forever, the son remains forever. If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:35-36) It's funny that being insecure often feels "safer" (to me, at least) but that couldn't be further from the truth. Relying on the barriers we've set up to protect ourselves actually puts us at risk. We are not free if we're enslaved to our own thoughts and fears. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind" (Rom. 12:2) Being conformed to the world in this case means being deceived into agreeing with what the world says is okay: putting value on self. Not that we're supposed to think we're pathetic and unlovable, but we're to love others more than ourselves. When we're not focused on ourselves because we're focused on our Saviour, we have a correct view of ourselves and others: we put ourselves second, we see others as He sees them, and we love them in truth and deed.

We also need to renew our minds with the Scripture we know to be true, so that when the enemy comes prowling, we're ready for the fight. I heard it said that Satan doesn't go after those he already has, he goes after those seeking God. He's losing us and is fighting to keep us. If you doubt this to be the case, just think about when you start tackling a certain sin in your life. All of a sudden that sin gets a bit harder than it ever was and you find yourself under attack from all sides. If this is the case, take comfort, in a funny way. Know that you're gaining ground. Praise God for this! And incidentally, when we're praising the name of Jesus, the enemy flees. That's two for the price of one! Remember, the enemy "comes only to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10) so we need to take our sin seriously, our enemy seriously, and be ready for the fight of (and for) our life. But also remember, and find joy in this, that the second half of this verse is "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." There's our freedom! There's our victory! There is our joy!

This morning I read a really interesting passage from Psalm 52. David is standing strong in God's presence, denouncing and rebuking his enemy as evil and foolish because they have not made God their refuge. Verses I particularly loved are at the end, verses 8 & 9:

But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God;

I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever.

I will give You thanks forever, because You have done it.

And I will wait on Your name, for it is good, in the presence of your godly ones.

Another translation said, "But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God..." How fantastic is that? To be thriving in the house of God. Not just getting by, not just making it through the day feeling pleased with myself that I remembered to include Him in it. Thriving. Delighting in His presence, growing in the grace and knowledge of Him who has saved me. Going from strength to strength as more and more of my life is spent on Him. This is life and life abundant! I want this so much for myself, more than I can say. However, so many days I find myself just getting by, going through the motions. This is quite the opposite of thriving, in my opinion. I picture small, sour, withery fruit that is not fit to be picked and ends up dying on the branch, rather than being enjoyed or even falling to the ground providing precious nutrients to the soil. I want to be a tree with the choicest fruit: the heavy, juicy, perfumed fruit that is just waiting to be picked in its time. I want His Spirit to evident in me, coming out in all I say and do.

Lord, I pray that I would delight in You, find my worth and purpose and joy in You. Would you allow my relationship with You to prosper? Would You, in Your great faithfulness, continue the good work You have started in me? I WILL trust in Your lovingkindness all the days of my life. I WILL speak of it to those around me. I WILL give thanks to You for You are good!

Sickness

Okay, February has been brutal. Liv has had two colds back-to-back and one long bout of a flu-like virus. Colds I can deal with; flu stuff is different. I never know how long to wait it out. I never know when it's time to see the doctor. I just never know! I love love LOVE being a mum, but I don't love the worry. I know that's not likely to end anytime soon, but I never knew I could be this concerned over another person. I worry about Chris in different, bigger ways: car accidents, chopping off his hand, that sort of thing. With Liv, I worry about her weight, how much she eats, when she's sick... blah blah blah. I know worrying is wrong, that it is sinful, but it's a long ingrained habit that is really hard to change. I know the answer is to trust God more and trust that He is more capable of taking care of us than I am, but again, easier said than done!

More on sickness: Chris has the beginnings of a nasty head cold and I'm feeling some sort of stomach thing. Different than pregnancy stomach issues. I'll get over it. I seriously can't wait for warmer weather and fewer germs. This is getting a little tiresome! Now I'm going to go to bed with a wee bit of a headache.

I have a lot to say...

... but I don't think I can say it. The problem with blogging is my temptation to reveal all, but I realize that's not necessarily a good thing. Some things need to remain quiet and between a few people and are not public fodder. What I like about blogging is that it's a bit like jounaling, but that's obviously private, so as I say, the temptation to tell is strong. I have a few issues with a few people, none of which, I'd like to point, is my fault. Unusual, I know, but it's true! There are two instances where I need to be discerning and prayerful in my counsel and one where I need to remember to extend grace and not go gossipping to one who I know understands. But oh, how nice it would be to just type and type and type!

On a baby-update note, I'm 27 weeks, 3 days into this pregnancy. I'd say that I'm really starting to feel it, but the truth is, I've felt every single day of this pregnancy. It's been a hard go and I'm aware I've complained a lot more this time around. I was asking Chris if I complained often (clearly such a stupid idea that it MUST come from a pregnant lady!) and he said gently, "yes, but I see how hard this has been for you." What a sweet man! Then he said we're never having another child! At this point, I quite agree! I never want to jump ahead of God's plans or make the mistake of placing more importance what I want than on what God wants, but we've always said that two kids seems just right for us. Plus, since we'll have one of each, it feels like that "complete family." I don't know, though. I just want to love the kids God blesses us with and seek His will. On another note, this poor child may remain nameless for quite some time after he's born!

Creating

I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not as creative as I'd like to be. Like a few of you who read this, I recently joined a songwriting "guild" at church. This is slightly terrifying to me as I have only a few songs to bring, and one of them isn't even finished to my liking. Okay, it's actually tremendously terrifying. I can't imagine a more vulnerable position to be in than playing and singing my music for some incredibly talented people.

I went to a conference a few years ago and one of the speakers, who actually ticked me off quite a bit, but that's another story, said there are 2 types of artists: players and creators. Pretty self-explanatory, I think. Now, I know I've been given the gift of song, I know I can sing, yes I can improve and get better, but for now I know I've been gifted in this area, so I definitely know I'm a player - man, that doesn't sound good, but let's keep it clean and in context. I don't think that I'm a creator. Not by nature anyway. Songwriting for the most part, takes a lot of effort for me, which explains why I have one line of lyrics here, one line of melody there, one half a chorus here, part of a verse there... you get the idea. Also, I just can't seem to find the time or discipline for this craft. It's hard! Singing someone else's song? That's easy. Coming up with a new song to sing? Yikes.

I long to bring a new song to the church, particularly our body of believers, but I've been spending some time examining my motives. Do I want to do it 100% because I love the Lord and want to serve Him and His people, or is part of my motivation to be like some of the people I admire most in the world? Not for selfish gain, I don't think, but to be like some of these incredible women, that would be so cool. God has been showing me how selfish that is, which is surprising because it's not fame or money I'm after, but it's selfish because I'm not putting God's glory first. I truly long to be a true worshipper in all senses of the word, and to bring passionate praise to my King. I'm thinking if I keep my motivation there that if I'm meant to write a song for 1 or 1,000 God will bring it to me. If all I'm meant to do is bring great praise to Him in my private life and singing the beautiful melodies of others, that's fine too.

Lord, give me a heart for You and Your song. May my life be lived out in the true and passionate worship of You. May my song be the song of a life redeemed, a heart changed, and a soul at peace with its Creator. May my only motivation be to see Your name lifted high, to see Your fame spread throughout the world, and to hear the beautiful sound of Your people bringing great praise before Your throne.

Happy New Year

This may have been stupid. I opened a new post with absolutely nothing to write about, but I've been determined to do this more often. Why? I'm not sure, but it feels like a (somewhat) worthwhile endeavour - more productive than facebook, surely.

So it's officially 2009 and it doesn't feel much different than 2008, not yet anyway. I feel tired beginning the year and I felt tired ending the year. We had supper at The Keg with a few friends and that was nice, although not as nice as past years. We always plan to eat at 5 and beat the rush, but I think our tradition may have been leaked to others. We got there to find that they had changed their policy and wouldn't seat you until your whole party was there AND they wouldn't take reservations. When some of your friends are *ahem* notoriously late, that poses a problem. We missed the last table by about 10 minutes and from there it turned into an hour long wait. So we sat at one of the tables in the bar area, which is louder and not quite as nice somehow, but it was still steak at The Keg, so it was delicious. I have no idea how restaurant kitchens do this: continue to send out good quality food to an absolutely packed restaurant, but whatever. It was maybe a bit slower, but that was totally understandable. From there we picked up Olivia from her New Year's Eve dinner at my parents :) and rejoined out friends for an "adult sleep over" which sounds way more suspicious and low-brow than it really was. It was just Rock Band, movies, games and watching the ball drop. You know what? I really don't like sleeping anywhere other than my own house. Don't get me wrong, it was totally fun and we love them ever so much and they were completely generous and hospitable, it just wasn't home. This morning we got up and had an insanely good breakfast. A hearty, delicious breakfast is a good way to start a year. Now we're both in comfy clothes, Livvie's in bed and we're just chillin' watching the hockey game.

We're almost 21 weeks into our pregnancy and we found out we're expecting a boy. This is very exciting news, but also kind of scary. We don't know how to have boys, we have a girl! And Chris, being true to his Dutch heritage, said "but we have stuff for girls." I love that man. He makes me laugh! Now we're on the hunt for names. There are names that we like, but don't love. Girls names are way easier to choose. Lately I've been struck with the awesome responsibility of naming a child. It shouldn't be something that's taken lightly or flippantly. A name is a big deal and I don't want to choose something that sounds cool or is just different from everyone else. I remember somebody telling me that your name helps shape who you are. It's a big deal! Whatever the name, I pray that we would name and raise a child who is strong for the Lord, lives to serve Him and is not ashamed to be a follower of Christ.

Virginia

Oh yeah, I forgot to write about Virginia. It was an interesting time away, very challenging, good, hard, tiring, and we learned a lot. It was quite awful leaving Olivia - just the act of leaving her, actually. Once we were on the plane it was fine. Sure I missed her and thought about her, but driving away seeing her waving at the door nearly ripped my heart out. So that was my first challenge. The second was flying on tiny planes which I've never done before. The smallest I've flown on are the 100 seaters that fly to Florida. The others have been international which are bigger. But 35 seats? That's tiny!! And right by the wing so you can see the plane bouncing around is not helpful when you're pregnant. Anyway, we finally got there and went to our hotel which was really nice AND right across the street from a Starbucks and Haagen Dazs (or however you spell that) so better and better. By the way, have you ever had the chocolate-peanut butter ice cream from Haag... that place? Amazing. It'll change your life. We had dinner with the organizing committee and then rest of the night was ours. We spent a little time going over music and doing things like finalizing power point stuff, but we mostly just relaxed. The next day Chris let me sleep in and he went and met with the tech guy and set up the instruments and then we went shopping at this very cool open-air mall. It was definitely winter in Virginia, but not nearly as cold as home. We had lunch and then headed over to the conference centre. That was pretty much the only hanging out we had together that was just OUR time. We did an evening session on Wednesday, 3 sessions on Thursday and a morning and evening session on Friday so we were super-busy. We also had to deal with a bit of a fussy speaker that wanted us to stay away from certain themes in our music. The only time we were able to relax that was at the final session on Friday night. I'm all for making sure we are theologically balanced and correct in our worship, but I'm really not cool with being forced to ignore songs and parts of God's character in order to "compliment" the speaker. If you're going to worship God, you must worship all of Him, not pick and choose according to what fits your mood. Anyway, he was okay, but a bit gimmicky for us, and when you're used to really solid teaching, it's hard to be respectful.

Saturday we slept a little late and then packed up and left to come home. Our flight to Detroit from Richmond was delayed because of weather in Detroit and that made us miss our flight to London by 10 MINUTES. I was so near tears it wasn't funny. I just wanted to go home, see Olivia and sleep in my own bed. We had to hang out in Detroit for 4 hours, which isn't awful compared to some delays, but when you're that close, it's frustrating. And then then when we finally did board, we sat on the runway for 45 minutes while they de-iced the plane. Believe me, I'm all for air safety and doing whatever they can to prevent the plane I'm sitting in from falling out of the sky, but you'd think they would have realized that before we got on seeing as it had been snowing all day. Oh well, we finally got on our way and my dad picked us up at the airport. I called my mum to see how Liv was doing and she said she was bouncing around in her bed, which if you know her, is really not unusual at all. We got home and she went crazy. She was so excited and we were too, to be honest. She hugged us and wanted to be held, and then after a few minutes, she had to walk around showing us all her toys. She's such a funny kid.

It was a really good experience. As I said, we were challenged and forced to lean on God for His strength. In His kindness, He once again taught us that He is shown most glorious and mighty in our weakness. It was a test to our pride as musicians as the room had really bad sound and with us being used to having a full band with us. We did fine, but we were really forced to humble ourselves. I believe that God worked through us as we submitted to His will and His power in our lives. We were affirmed by many, many people and that just showed us that our attitudes and hearts were right before the Lord. I pray that I would always put His praise first, that I would be extravagant and honest in my worship of Him and that my pride would never get in the way of my seeing Him and declaring Him for who He is.