Musings of a redhead

It's been a while...

2010-04-14T22:08:00.000-04:00

Do I really want to start this again? I'm not sure, but I'm so inspired by the blogs of many dear friends, and I've had a few things on my heart that I thought worth sharing, so good or bad, right or wrong, I'm re-entering the blogosphere.

The biggest thing on my heart and mind lately is the idea of insecurity. I'll use that word specifically because it's the subject of a book I'm reading, and I also like it better than the term 'self-esteem'. I don't know about anybody else, but my insecurities have plagued me for as long as I can remember. My mother tells stories of me as a fearless 4 & 5 year old, so I don't know exactly when or why they started. All I know is that they've been crippling, nearly life-long companions, and that they're sinful. It's interesting that this book has come to my attention in the last two weeks as I've had this subject on my mind for the last few months. Okay, it's always been on my mind, but lately it's been on my mind in the sense that it must be done away with and conquered. For good? Maybe (hopefully!) Or maybe it'll be something that I have to come back to every once in a while. Whatever the case, it's been on my heart so I decided it needed to be dealt with.

I'm learning just how very wrong my insecurities are. First, because they have me focusing just too much attention on myself. Secondly, because Jesus didn't set me free only to become a prisoner to myself. The reason I'm so enjoying this book is because it doesn't once say "c'mon, don't be insecure. you're a great person. blah blah blah." Nope. It talks about how great God is rescuing us from all the chains that bind us. We've been bought at great cost, and we now find our worth in the Great Shepherd of the sheep, this King of kings, Lord of lords. I don't say this in the "you're a princess, your father is the King" kind of way, but rather, if I place any value at all on Jesus Christ and what He has done, I'll get my eyes OFF MY SELF and firmly onto Him where they belong. I know insecurities are painful and often take root for very legitimate reasons, but don't you (*I*) see that they're just another way the enemy causes us to take our eyes off our Rescuer? We've been so deceived into thinking that we must think well of ourselves, love ourselves, value ourselves, that pride has snuck in without us even knowing. And just so you know, I think being insecure is prideful as well; maybe a form of false-pride, but pride nonetheless. I don't think that's a shocking statement, but maybe it is. Let's have a chat if that's the case. Better yet, come for coffee and a chat. I'd LOVE that! By the way, I enjoy a tall-nonfat-no whip-peppermint mocha. Just sayin'.

I'm finding that there is great freedom in taking my eyes off my self. "The slave does not remain in the house forever, the son remains forever. If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." (John 8:35-36) It's funny that being insecure often feels "safer" (to me, at least) but that couldn't be further from the truth. Relying on the barriers we've set up to protect ourselves actually puts us at risk. We are not free if we're enslaved to our own thoughts and fears. "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind" (Rom. 12:2) Being conformed to the world in this case means being deceived into agreeing with what the world says is okay: putting value on self. Not that we're supposed to think we're pathetic and unlovable, but we're to love others more than ourselves. When we're not focused on ourselves because we're focused on our Saviour, we have a correct view of ourselves and others: we put ourselves second, we see others as He sees them, and we love them in truth and deed.

We also need to renew our minds with the Scripture we know to be true, so that when the enemy comes prowling, we're ready for the fight. I heard it said that Satan doesn't go after those he already has, he goes after those seeking God. He's losing us and is fighting to keep us. If you doubt this to be the case, just think about when you start tackling a certain sin in your life. All of a sudden that sin gets a bit harder than it ever was and you find yourself under attack from all sides. If this is the case, take comfort, in a funny way. Know that you're gaining ground. Praise God for this! And incidentally, when we're praising the name of Jesus, the enemy flees. That's two for the price of one! Remember, the enemy "comes only to steal and kill and destroy" (John 10:10) so we need to take our sin seriously, our enemy seriously, and be ready for the fight of (and for) our life. But also remember, and find joy in this, that the second half of this verse is "I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." There's our freedom! There's our victory! There is our joy!

2009-03-09T13:05:00.004-04:00

This morning I read a really interesting passage from Psalm 52. David is standing strong in God's presence, denouncing and rebuking his enemy as evil and foolish because they have not made God their refuge. Verses I particularly loved are at the end, verses 8 & 9:

But as for me, I am like a green olive tree in the house of God;

I trust in the lovingkindness of God forever and ever.

I will give You thanks forever, because You have done it.

And I will wait on Your name, for it is good, in the presence of your godly ones.

Another translation said, "But I am like an olive tree, thriving in the house of God..." How fantastic is that? To be thriving in the house of God. Not just getting by, not just making it through the day feeling pleased with myself that I remembered to include Him in it. Thriving. Delighting in His presence, growing in the grace and knowledge of Him who has saved me. Going from strength to strength as more and more of my life is spent on Him. This is life and life abundant! I want this so much for myself, more than I can say. However, so many days I find myself just getting by, going through the motions. This is quite the opposite of thriving, in my opinion. I picture small, sour, withery fruit that is not fit to be picked and ends up dying on the branch, rather than being enjoyed or even falling to the ground providing precious nutrients to the soil. I want to be a tree with the choicest fruit: the heavy, juicy, perfumed fruit that is just waiting to be picked in its time. I want His Spirit to evident in me, coming out in all I say and do.

Lord, I pray that I would delight in You, find my worth and purpose and joy in You. Would you allow my relationship with You to prosper? Would You, in Your great faithfulness, continue the good work You have started in me? I WILL trust in Your lovingkindness all the days of my life. I WILL speak of it to those around me. I WILL give thanks to You for You are good!

Sickness

2009-02-25T20:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, February has been brutal. Liv has had two colds back-to-back and one long bout of a flu-like virus. Colds I can deal with; flu stuff is different. I never know how long to wait it out. I never know when it's time to see the doctor. I just never know! I love love LOVE being a mum, but I don't love the worry. I know that's not likely to end anytime soon, but I never knew I could be this concerned over another person. I worry about Chris in different, bigger ways: car accidents, chopping off his hand, that sort of thing. With Liv, I worry about her weight, how much she eats, when she's sick... blah blah blah. I know worrying is wrong, that it is sinful, but it's a long ingrained habit that is really hard to change. I know the answer is to trust God more and trust that He is more capable of taking care of us than I am, but again, easier said than done!

More on sickness: Chris has the beginnings of a nasty head cold and I'm feeling some sort of stomach thing. Different than pregnancy stomach issues. I'll get over it. I seriously can't wait for warmer weather and fewer germs. This is getting a little tiresome! Now I'm going to go to bed with a wee bit of a headache.

I have a lot to say...

2009-02-18T14:14:00.002-05:00

... but I don't think I can say it. The problem with blogging is my temptation to reveal all, but I realize that's not necessarily a good thing. Some things need to remain quiet and between a few people and are not public fodder. What I like about blogging is that it's a bit like jounaling, but that's obviously private, so as I say, the temptation to tell is strong. I have a few issues with a few people, none of which, I'd like to point, is my fault. Unusual, I know, but it's true! There are two instances where I need to be discerning and prayerful in my counsel and one where I need to remember to extend grace and not go gossipping to one who I know understands. But oh, how nice it would be to just type and type and type!

On a baby-update note, I'm 27 weeks, 3 days into this pregnancy. I'd say that I'm really starting to feel it, but the truth is, I've felt every single day of this pregnancy. It's been a hard go and I'm aware I've complained a lot more this time around. I was asking Chris if I complained often (clearly such a stupid idea that it MUST come from a pregnant lady!) and he said gently, "yes, but I see how hard this has been for you." What a sweet man! Then he said we're never having another child! At this point, I quite agree! I never want to jump ahead of God's plans or make the mistake of placing more importance what I want than on what God wants, but we've always said that two kids seems just right for us. Plus, since we'll have one of each, it feels like that "complete family." I don't know, though. I just want to love the kids God blesses us with and seek His will. On another note, this poor child may remain nameless for quite some time after he's born!

Creating

2009-01-13T14:07:00.002-05:00

I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty sure that I'm not as creative as I'd like to be. Like a few of you who read this, I recently joined a songwriting "guild" at church. This is slightly terrifying to me as I have only a few songs to bring, and one of them isn't even finished to my liking. Okay, it's actually tremendously terrifying. I can't imagine a more vulnerable position to be in than playing and singing my music for some incredibly talented people.

I went to a conference a few years ago and one of the speakers, who actually ticked me off quite a bit, but that's another story, said there are 2 types of artists: players and creators. Pretty self-explanatory, I think. Now, I know I've been given the gift of song, I know I can sing, yes I can improve and get better, but for now I know I've been gifted in this area, so I definitely know I'm a player - man, that doesn't sound good, but let's keep it clean and in context. I don't think that I'm a creator. Not by nature anyway. Songwriting for the most part, takes a lot of effort for me, which explains why I have one line of lyrics here, one line of melody there, one half a chorus here, part of a verse there... you get the idea. Also, I just can't seem to find the time or discipline for this craft. It's hard! Singing someone else's song? That's easy. Coming up with a new song to sing? Yikes.

I long to bring a new song to the church, particularly our body of believers, but I've been spending some time examining my motives. Do I want to do it 100% because I love the Lord and want to serve Him and His people, or is part of my motivation to be like some of the people I admire most in the world? Not for selfish gain, I don't think, but to be like some of these incredible women, that would be so cool. God has been showing me how selfish that is, which is surprising because it's not fame or money I'm after, but it's selfish because I'm not putting God's glory first. I truly long to be a true worshipper in all senses of the word, and to bring passionate praise to my King. I'm thinking if I keep my motivation there that if I'm meant to write a song for 1 or 1,000 God will bring it to me. If all I'm meant to do is bring great praise to Him in my private life and singing the beautiful melodies of others, that's fine too.

Lord, give me a heart for You and Your song. May my life be lived out in the true and passionate worship of You. May my song be the song of a life redeemed, a heart changed, and a soul at peace with its Creator. May my only motivation be to see Your name lifted high, to see Your fame spread throughout the world, and to hear the beautiful sound of Your people bringing great praise before Your throne.

Happy New Year

2009-01-01T13:21:00.003-05:00

This may have been stupid. I opened a new post with absolutely nothing to write about, but I've been determined to do this more often. Why? I'm not sure, but it feels like a (somewhat) worthwhile endeavour - more productive than facebook, surely.

So it's officially 2009 and it doesn't feel much different than 2008, not yet anyway. I feel tired beginning the year and I felt tired ending the year. We had supper at The Keg with a few friends and that was nice, although not as nice as past years. We always plan to eat at 5 and beat the rush, but I think our tradition may have been leaked to others. We got there to find that they had changed their policy and wouldn't seat you until your whole party was there AND they wouldn't take reservations. When some of your friends are *ahem* notoriously late, that poses a problem. We missed the last table by about 10 minutes and from there it turned into an hour long wait. So we sat at one of the tables in the bar area, which is louder and not quite as nice somehow, but it was still steak at The Keg, so it was delicious. I have no idea how restaurant kitchens do this: continue to send out good quality food to an absolutely packed restaurant, but whatever. It was maybe a bit slower, but that was totally understandable. From there we picked up Olivia from her New Year's Eve dinner at my parents :) and rejoined out friends for an "adult sleep over" which sounds way more suspicious and low-brow than it really was. It was just Rock Band, movies, games and watching the ball drop. You know what? I really don't like sleeping anywhere other than my own house. Don't get me wrong, it was totally fun and we love them ever so much and they were completely generous and hospitable, it just wasn't home. This morning we got up and had an insanely good breakfast. A hearty, delicious breakfast is a good way to start a year. Now we're both in comfy clothes, Livvie's in bed and we're just chillin' watching the hockey game.

We're almost 21 weeks into our pregnancy and we found out we're expecting a boy. This is very exciting news, but also kind of scary. We don't know how to have boys, we have a girl! And Chris, being true to his Dutch heritage, said "but we have stuff for girls." I love that man. He makes me laugh! Now we're on the hunt for names. There are names that we like, but don't love. Girls names are way easier to choose. Lately I've been struck with the awesome responsibility of naming a child. It shouldn't be something that's taken lightly or flippantly. A name is a big deal and I don't want to choose something that sounds cool or is just different from everyone else. I remember somebody telling me that your name helps shape who you are. It's a big deal! Whatever the name, I pray that we would name and raise a child who is strong for the Lord, lives to serve Him and is not ashamed to be a follower of Christ.

Virginia

2008-12-30T12:29:00.003-05:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to write about Virginia. It was an interesting time away, very challenging, good, hard, tiring, and we learned a lot. It was quite awful leaving Olivia - just the act of leaving her, actually. Once we were on the plane it was fine. Sure I missed her and thought about her, but driving away seeing her waving at the door nearly ripped my heart out. So that was my first challenge. The second was flying on tiny planes which I've never done before. The smallest I've flown on are the 100 seaters that fly to Florida. The others have been international which are bigger. But 35 seats? That's tiny!! And right by the wing so you can see the plane bouncing around is not helpful when you're pregnant. Anyway, we finally got there and went to our hotel which was really nice AND right across the street from a Starbucks and Haagen Dazs (or however you spell that) so better and better. By the way, have you ever had the chocolate-peanut butter ice cream from Haag... that place? Amazing. It'll change your life. We had dinner with the organizing committee and then rest of the night was ours. We spent a little time going over music and doing things like finalizing power point stuff, but we mostly just relaxed. The next day Chris let me sleep in and he went and met with the tech guy and set up the instruments and then we went shopping at this very cool open-air mall. It was definitely winter in Virginia, but not nearly as cold as home. We had lunch and then headed over to the conference centre. That was pretty much the only hanging out we had together that was just OUR time. We did an evening session on Wednesday, 3 sessions on Thursday and a morning and evening session on Friday so we were super-busy. We also had to deal with a bit of a fussy speaker that wanted us to stay away from certain themes in our music. The only time we were able to relax that was at the final session on Friday night. I'm all for making sure we are theologically balanced and correct in our worship, but I'm really not cool with being forced to ignore songs and parts of God's character in order to "compliment" the speaker. If you're going to worship God, you must worship all of Him, not pick and choose according to what fits your mood. Anyway, he was okay, but a bit gimmicky for us, and when you're used to really solid teaching, it's hard to be respectful.

Saturday we slept a little late and then packed up and left to come home. Our flight to Detroit from Richmond was delayed because of weather in Detroit and that made us miss our flight to London by 10 MINUTES. I was so near tears it wasn't funny. I just wanted to go home, see Olivia and sleep in my own bed. We had to hang out in Detroit for 4 hours, which isn't awful compared to some delays, but when you're that close, it's frustrating. And then then when we finally did board, we sat on the runway for 45 minutes while they de-iced the plane. Believe me, I'm all for air safety and doing whatever they can to prevent the plane I'm sitting in from falling out of the sky, but you'd think they would have realized that before we got on seeing as it had been snowing all day. Oh well, we finally got on our way and my dad picked us up at the airport. I called my mum to see how Liv was doing and she said she was bouncing around in her bed, which if you know her, is really not unusual at all. We got home and she went crazy. She was so excited and we were too, to be honest. She hugged us and wanted to be held, and then after a few minutes, she had to walk around showing us all her toys. She's such a funny kid.

It was a really good experience. As I said, we were challenged and forced to lean on God for His strength. In His kindness, He once again taught us that He is shown most glorious and mighty in our weakness. It was a test to our pride as musicians as the room had really bad sound and with us being used to having a full band with us. We did fine, but we were really forced to humble ourselves. I believe that God worked through us as we submitted to His will and His power in our lives. We were affirmed by many, many people and that just showed us that our attitudes and hearts were right before the Lord. I pray that I would always put His praise first, that I would be extravagant and honest in my worship of Him and that my pride would never get in the way of my seeing Him and declaring Him for who He is.

Happy Christmas

2008-12-29T12:55:00.003-05:00

So I'm sitting here - on the couch!! - with our lovely new laptop. It's quite fantastic really; more bells and whistles than I thought we'd get, but I'm definitely thankful.

We had a very nice Christmas. Busy, but happy busy. Christmas Eve was quite busy, actually, with a Christmas Eve lunch, a party, church and then a family party at our house. This has become quite a tradition - since the first year we were married, so five years now. Both families go to church and then come back to our house for games, appetizers, drinks and desserts. This year was a tiny bit different for us because we went to the kids' service instead of the "adult" service. That really doesn't sound right, does it? It didn't feel as Christmas-sy a service to me, but that's the stage we're at right now. 8:00 is just too late for a happy Olivia. I guess I'm a sucker for tradition. Anything off my normal, expected routine throws me for a loop.

Christmas day was very enjoyable. We started out the day just the 3 of us. That's really important to me: having our own family time. We're our own family, so I think we should have our time together. Then we went to Chris' family for brunch and presents. We decided to cut down this year in response to the Advent Conspiracy campaign and did a Secret Santa instead of buying for everyone. It was actually a ton of fun. Except, the person I had to buy for didn't post their list until a few days before Christmas, so that was a little stressful. I had everything else done that could possibly need doing - except for that. I really dislike that kind of scenario: going to all the trouble to be done early and enjoy Christmas, but have one thing hanging over your head. Anyway, it was fine, I got his present, but it wasn't exactly what you'd call creative. We hung out there, played games (even Chris!) and then headed to my parents for the rest of the day. It was such a nice day and not busy at all. That's the advantage of having both sets of parents living a few blocks away from each other. That and babysitting!

So New Year's is next and I have to say, it's really not my favourite holiday. There's so much hype and expectation that you HAVE to do something, that I think everything in me revolts and just wants to sit on my couch in my pyjamas, eat and watch movies. Instead, I we're going out for supper with friends and then do something with them. I *suppose* that will be okay... Plus, we're going to The Keg. I LOVE steak, especially Keg steak.

Hope your Christmas was very merry and that your New Year is blessed and filled with joy.

Busy

2008-12-02T00:52:00.002-05:00

Yes, busy. Not that I'm the world's most motivated blogger, by any means, but I have been far too busy to do much more on the computer than email and facebook. What's kept me busy, you* ask? (*you, as in the 2 dear friends who read this.) WELL Chris and I leave for Virginia tomorrow - well it's actually today since it's past midnight. We're leading worship at a missions conference called CrossGlobalLink (I'm almost pretty sure) from Wednesday to Friday. We leave at lunch today and get back Saturday afternoon. When we were asked to do this, I have to admit I was very flattered and excited and it padded my ego just a bit. Since then, my pride has been appropriately brought back down because of all the details and disorganization and the fact that I DON'T WANT TO GO! I truly believe in serving the Lord with my whole heart wherever He has called me to serve, but I'm really battling through a bunch of stuff. First off, I'm tired. Second, I'm pregnant (both first and second leading to emotional. Hello!) and third, perhaps biggest of all, I really don't want to leave Olivia for so long. I know 5 days, and only 3 whole days at that, is not that long and isn't a big deal but it is to me. I love that little peanut to bits and my love for her and gratitude that I get to be her mum has only increased as the weeks and months of her short life have gone on. I realized today or yesterday that I'm also experiencing some very real spiritual attacks. I've had a lot of negative, fearful and confusing thoughts whirling through my head which has made it difficult to find the motivation to go. Now that I've realized this, though, I can really press into Jesus, really saturate myself in the word of God and in His holy presence. He is a faithful and loving God; a strong tower, refuge and strength, and I'm finding there truly is power in the beautiful name of Jesus. So I'm praying to the God of my salvation that He would protect me, carry me and give me the courage and strength to do what He has called me to do. Courage is a funny word, though. I never thought of the need for courage until a wise friend pointed it out to me. It's something we definitely need to serve the Lord and something we have to ask for. Sure, I could force myself to go, but will I be motivated and will my heart be fully engaged with my Saviour? Not likely, but praying for courage to go, to serve, to leave my child and the courage to lead openly and honestly, well that's the kind of prayer I can see God answering. The more I know of myself and my God, the more I realize that to lean on Him in my weakness is to find myself overwhelmed by His love and His power moving in my life.

Also, I'm trying to see this week as a blessing from God in other ways. I get uninterrupted time with Chris. I realize it's not entirely uninterrupted, but you know what I mean. We're away from home, and although we have 5 sessions to lead, we have nothing else. No phone ringing. No meetings, commitments, work, that sort of thing stealing time from us. And despite the fact that I'm loathe to leave my child, time away for parents to be just husband and wife again, rather than parents, seems a very good thing. We're near Richmond, so maybe I can drag him to some cool museums, and maybe some shopping and maybe just lunch. Out! Alone!

Oh, and exciting news: we're getting our computer. It's being ordered and should be here soon. You wouldn't believe the story. God is so good and kind and generous, and well, you know...

Yeah...

2008-11-12T10:51:00.002-05:00

Okay, seriously, why do I have this thing? I thought it would be something that I would use way more often, but I only seem to post anything once a month. Don't worry, my one faithful reader, I'm not deleting my blog - I'm too stubborn for that! I WILL get the hang of this thing! One of my problems is that I hate sitting up in our office at the computer. I'd rather be on the couch or in my bed, anywhere else, really. I think we're going to buy a laptop (not just for my blogging!) so maybe that will help solve the problem. The office is going to have to be converted to a nursery, so we'll have to haul the desk out and I really, really won't ever go on the computer if it's in the basement. Plus, it'll be handy for music practices and meetings. Plus plus, I'll just feel a lot cooler, like all the other cool people who already own a laptop. Eww, though. I just realized I'll have to spend time on the phone with Bell to arrange for wireless. Spending time on the phone with mega-corporations is not on my list of favourite things to do - gross enough to almost make me want to change my mind about the whole idea.

Speaking of being on the phone with big companies, I tried to call Toys 'R' Us (hereafter to be known as Evil And Uncaring 'R' Us) for my friend who just lost her babies. She didn't want to go through the pain and hassle of calling them to delete her registry and explain why she was doing it. So she asked me. I thought it would be simple, but this country's Privacy Policy laws apparently encompass all things including registries. Are you kidding me? So because I wasn't her, they wouldn't let me delete it because it's a violation of her privacy. Hmmm. So I got annoyed with the woman and asked if my friend should really have to go through this right now just because of their stupid policy? She said she understood and would get her supervisor on the phone. That took about 10 minutes and the woman was the least helpful person I have ever spoken to. She kept saying "that's our policy. that's our policy" which in my mind, has to one of the biggest cop-out statements ever. So I asked what their policy was on making grieving parents call in to cancel their stupid registries. She said "that's why we have co-registrants." I nearly threw the phone across the room and wanted to scream, but said somewhat politely, "but that's her husband and the same thing happened to him as to her. what else do you have?" She said they would create an incident report (who would really ever care about that?) and I told her not to worry and asked if it could be deleted online. She said it could, and I told her that fine, I would delete it online instead of over-the-phone and hung up. Honestly, I've never been so frustrated and angry with a stranger in my whole life. I was actually shaking after the call. What really bothered me was they kept saying they understood and that they felt bad, blah blah blah, but that's really not the truth is it? And the whole story about the privacy policy isn't to protect the consumer, it's to protect them from getting yelled at over deleted registries. Anyway, it was an exercise in patience and grace because I really tried hard not to be angry with those people and take it out on them. It gave me a little insight into myself though: when I say I understand and feel badly for a person, I really want to mean it. Not just say it because it feels like the right thing to say. I want the Lord to give me a heart of sympathy and empathy that I can hurt with my brothers and sisters. I've been praying for this for the last year and He is answering it, but the answer is coming in the form of opportunities to practice it. So many sad stories lately and a lot of hurt with people I love or at least really care about. The Lord is moving, I'm sure of it. What He has planned is a mystery, but I truly believe that our body of believers is going to experience His greatness in difficult but really real ways. I think people are going to learn through their pain and loss what it means to Make Known the Greatness of God in their own lives and I know that can't ever be a bad thing.

An update on me: I'm no longer sleeping 2 1/2 hours everyday and don't feel like throwing up every 1/2 hour so I'm really progressing. I was 13 weeks on Monday and am starting to get that little pot belly. I'm still in regular clothes though - YEAH! Amazing what an accomplishment that feels like! We heard the heartbeat last week and will have an ultrasound in December. We decided that with this one we'll find out what we're having. We didn't with Olivia, but with the second, nothing feels new, of course it's exciting, but we wanted to change things up a little. We'll probably tell people what we're having but the name will stay a secret. If we ever come up with one...

Ummmm...

2008-10-15T12:27:00.002-04:00

...yeah, it's been over a month since I blogged about ANYthing. I suppose we've been busy, but the biggest reason is that I haven't been able to force myself to sit at the computer for more than 2 minutes. As of Monday, I'm 9 weeks pregnant and we're SO excited! It's early days yet, but still very exciting. What was that about early days? Oh yeah, so I've been more exhausted, way more nauseated and more sleepy than I ever was carrying Olivia. Normally I try to only be on the computer when she's napping or down for the night, but those times are just too tempting to take a nap myself, or lay down somewhere - anywhere. So I haven't sat at the computer other than to check facebook and shudder with guilt at the ever-increasing amount of emails I need to respond to. Ever notice how when something is hanging over your head it starts to feel like Sunday night before going back to school? So yeah, I need to write a bunch of emails and really hope that people understand!

So this past weekend was Thanksgiving, but thanks to my current aversion to all things poultry, I didn't really enjoy it that much - except the mashed potatoes and gravy. I could eat that any time. Sunday was Thanksgiving with my parents and then Monday was with Chris' family, but I really didn't enjoy it as I got a migraine early in the day and went late to their house to sit in the bleachers and not eat anything. Well, okay, I did manage some mashed potatoes and gravy again. Seriously, though, a migraine when you're pregnant? That's like getting kicked while you're down.

Poor old Chippy

2008-09-04T13:03:00.004-04:00

So on Tuesday, our dog was going absolutely stupid-crazy. She wanted to go downstairs really badly and was whining and carrying on. I let her into the basement, she sprinted down the stairs, and much to my horror, I heard a squeak. Yes, that one noise that will strike fear into my heart the minute I hear it. I closed the door straight away (slammed it) and tried to forget about it, hoping that Brandy would catch (gross and shudder) whatever it was that was down there. Chris came home and she heard him so of course she wanted to be set free from the dungeon, but almost immediately went down again. She was running and sniffing EVERYWHERE. Oh man, oh man, oh man. But at least Chris was home at this point. That sort of thing is definitely a man's job and I don't care if a feminist reads this and gets mad at me for saying that. It is one job I'm thrilled to relinquish and forever grateful I don't have to do. A few hours later, the dog was still nuts-o so we all tromped downstairs to see if we could figure out what the fuss was. She was circling the couch like a rabid... well, dog and sniffing like crazy. I told Chris to move the couch and promptly averted my eyes. A chipmunk squeaked and ran out from under the couch. A chipmunk! At this point I should say that Olivia had been beating the screen door and had broken through so that it was flapping in the breeze (yes, I'm sorry to admit we are one of those families) and I had noticed a chipmunk hanging around our front porch but thought nothing of it. So thankfully, I'm pretty sure that is how Chippy got in. Anyway, I squealed, okay maybe it was more of a scream, grabbed Olivia, bolted up the stairs and slammed the door. Chris, brave superhero that he is, rescued the poor little guy from the dog's over-exuberant playing and let him outside. What a gentle guy my husband is. He let Brandy's victim out of the box, where it just lay in shock and he stroked its head. Twenty minutes later the poor thing was dead. I'm sorry to announce that Chippy succumbed to his internal injuries (imposed by our dog throwing it around like a chew toy.) She never intended to kill the chipmunk, she just likes to play with whatever she catches.

R.I.P. Chippy and a few notes to myself: make sure the screen door stays fixed and don't let the dog hunt. Ever.

gahhhh!

2008-08-20T13:43:00.002-04:00

Okay, so is it really the 20th of August? How on earth did that happen? Apparently I should have a lot more accomplished by now. Like a study picked out for our cell group. Or, for that matter, when we're actually starting cell. Yikes. So I haven't completely lost track of time. I, that is to say *we* have been thinking and praying about our fledgling cell group for the past couple of weeks. I think we've decided to study Romans for the first term, but haven't completely landed on a good study guide. I had been reading in Romans and was so encouraged, challenged and blessed by what I read there. Sure, I've read it before, but it struck me as especially fresh and relevant. I think God was really speaking to my heart and that's really great and so kind of Him because before that, we had absolutely no clue what to study. Chris, being the way more disciplined and godly part of our "team" started reading it straight away. And not what I call "reading." He digested it a chapter at a time, making notes and praying about every single thing he found. My version of "reading" is to simply read and say "wow! that's incredible!" Sure, I take a few notes, but they are usually in the same vein.

So yes, I have a lot to accomplish in the next few weeks. Like meeting with our apprentices, but that's not really work because they're good friends and I love love love them! And decide on when to start, how to organize the study weeks, service weeks and outreach weeks. AND I need to do this all and go to England around the same time. Yep, I'm going to England and taking Olivia from the 17th - 27th of September. Chris isn't going, but I'm not a total moron. I'm taking my mum to look after Olivia ... I mean because I love my mother and want to spend time with her! Do you really think I'm crazy enough to fly alone with a busy 15 month old? I can barely take care of her on land! I think we'll be okay, though. Plus, my brother's there to be another set of hands and another source of entertainment. However, I am terrified of getting thrown off the plane if she doesn't behave. I've heard way too many horror stories and I don't know whether to believe the airline's version or the parents, but in the end, it doesn't really matter because they still got thrown off the plane. How horrifyingly embarrassing is that? Please be good, please be good. Please sleep. Oh forget it, I'll just drug her up with some Gravol. That said, I've heard I need to test it out to make sure it doesn't make her hyper. That's all I need: a hyper Olivia. Also, I really hope I don't encounter those obnoxious, passive-aggressive travelers that just roll their eyes, clear their throats or sigh really loudly and dramatically in case you didn't already know you're child was being bad or crying loudly and you needed them to let you know. I know a crying child isn't the best thing on an overnight flight, or any flight at all, but as if you can sleep in coach. You're basically sitting in a dining room chair for 8 hours. Give me a break. Or maybe I should give them a break. Maybe they'll be really nice. Even if they're not, I'll probably never see them again so I shouldn't worry if they think I'm a really bad mother (because I'm trying to bribe my child into behaving using sugary treats she doesn't normally get.)

I heart Chris

2008-08-13T12:33:00.005-04:00

Okay, so I'm doing so much better. I've been praying a lot about my attitude and talking to very good friends and I'm dealing with everything better. Sometimes I feel silly for feeling left out of my husband's experience, like I'm in grade 5 and being left out of the cool group at school. However, a good and very objective friend asked if there might be a different way of looking at my feelings. She told me that Chris & I are very blessed to have a marriage where Christ is truly at the centre and we desire to serve Him with our whole lives. She said maybe the reason I'm feeling left out is because he and I have a deep spiritual connection stemming from years of serving in ministry together and that a lot of couples could stand to be more like us. Whew and *tear*. I don't know how true that is, but I love serving alongside him, helping him and encouraging him. So I don't know how true it all is, but it was nice to hear, and what a great lady that Loralyn is!

Speaking of heart-ing Chris, it's our 5th wedding anniversary on Saturday. 5 years! And what a way for him to celebrate it: a grouchy wife who's jealous and emotional. Kidding, and I guess that wasn't really funny. Seriously, I love that man like crazy. I love that he's God's chosen for me and my perfect match. Sure, we have our differences and we can bug each other, but those annoyances are usually because God is teaching us through the other's strengths and weaknesses. The more I think of it, we're a perfect balance to each other and so suited to be married and serve together. God is so good and kind to me! We're going out for supper on Saturday - mmmm Garlic's and mmmm garlic! He gave me a ring - I wanted a skinny, plain white gold ring for my right middle finger because I thought it would look cool, and it does. :) The thing is, Olivia employs me (ie. I'm a full-time mum) so he either has to buy his own present or I'll just love him up a whole lot extra that day. And maybe I'll bake him a cake. And some cookies. And buy him some imported beer. That man loves sweets and high quality ales!

This comes with a warning

2008-08-08T14:34:00.002-04:00

Warning: Okay, prepare to be wholeheartedly disgusted at me (and the two of you who actually read this may want to end our friendship.)

It turns out, I'm a really bad person. I already knew I was a sinner, but now I've found out that I'm jealous, petty, resentful, angry and bitter. Aren't you glad you're my friend? So Chris got home last Sunday and I was so so excited to see him. I drove to Toronto with my brother, who came to keep me company. He came through the gate looking tan, excited and well, Chris. Happiness, hugs, kisses, all that lovely stuff. And then Ad and I got lost trying to find the parking garage. Seriously, airports and hospitals - I have no idea how to navigate them. On the way home, he told us about his trip. All very encouraging and exciting. We got home and Olivia squealed her little heart out. She was very excited! My mum had been babysitting so she and Adam left to let us have "family time." We hung out a little, then put Liv to bed. That's when the trouble started. Jealously reared its ugly head and all the feelings of being left out and left behind that I've carried since childhood suddenly came out of their hiding spot of being tucked neatly in the back of my brain, never to be heard from again. Or so I thought. Satan really took over and, I have to say, I allowed him. I heard all sorts of things in Chris' words that he didn't actually mean. I stopped wanting to hear about his trip and even told him so! (I'm so ashamed.) I really don't know what happened to me, other than I allowed Satan a way in through my sin and he took it. I kind of knew this would happen: I was so excited for a romantic reunion and I went and ruined it. I suck. So anyway, that night I prayed like I've never prayed before. I asked God to remove and forgive my sin. I asked Him to replace my anger, bitterness, jealousy and all those other nasties with the fruit of His Spirit. He didn't right away and I was really disappointed when I didn't hear from Him or from His Word. I turned to Him, in my time and my need, and expected Him to serve me and my agenda. How many times will I continue to do this? So the next morning, when a little joy had returned (Praise God!) I humbly asked Him to continue to work in my heart as I know He's been doing for 28 years and will continue to do so. I can literally feel Him binding up my wounds, trading my sorrow for His joy, replacing my insecurity with the knowledge that I am His child. He is a truly great God and I'm not worthy to be called even His servant.

And my husband? Well that man's patience and understanding seems to know no bounds. He's talked through my feelings with me, stopped sharing his stories with me until I could hear them without crying (I know, I know. I already said I sucked.) And he hasn't gotten mad at me once. Which is more than I could say for myself if I were in his position.

So there you have it. Do you still want to be my friend? :)

More than halfway

2008-07-31T22:43:00.004-04:00

Yep, we have only 3 sleeps left, as I keep updating Olivia each night when I put her to bed. I'm so excited to see Chris! I'm picking him up in TO on Sunday afternoon. Just me. Isn't that romantic? *sigh*

It's been a really good week. God has been very kind and gentle with me and I've felt Him with me a lot over the last 7 days. Also, I've kept really busy, so that helps. Every day at nap time (Liv's) I can barely keep my eyes open and when my head hits the pillow at night, I'm out so fast. My days have been blessedly filled with lots of visits to and from friends. I've literally seen people everyday, so that's tons of fun. I keep trying to convince myself it's to socialize O, but let's be honest, it's for me! Take today: playgroup in the morning, lunch with my good friend Mel and her little one, and then dinner with 2 of my favourite people, Eric & Kerry, and their kids. My days have been busy! My eyes are a little heavy as I write this, but I want to remember this week, so I'm just going to jot a few notes.

I was determined that I would not wish this week away, hoping that it would fly by and bring Chris home to me sooner. I realized that those kind of feelings, although kind of normal, are not really honouring to God. In Him I put my trust (so I say) so in Him I should find my joy. I don't want to be a "fair weather friend" (what a cheesy expression, but gets the point across, don't ya think?) I want to go to God and find joy in Him regardless of my circumstances. And I have to say, He was very kind to teach me this lesson so gently - it could have 11 weeks, not 11 days! So everyday, I've determined to start my day with Him, dedicating it to His service and asking Him to reveal Himself to me through His word. I admit that I've prayed that very expectantly everyday, but I think it's okay to ask God to move in your heart and then expect Him to. I realize He doesn't always respond in our timing, but He does always respond. To me, praying expectantly according to His promises are like little leaps of faith. Not daring Him to come through, but asking Him to show Himself faithful according to His promises to His servants. So yes, I've been learning a lot and writing a lot. I've been keep a journal again (I bought a lovely new one - all recycled materials, so me-friendly and earth-friendly) and I've also been writing music again. This is something I've dabbled in in the past, but that's all it come to - dabbling. This has been serious writing and it's been so easy. One evening I wrote lyrics inspired by my morning reading and they flowed together in like 10 minutes. I sat at the piano and after another 20 minutes, I had a song! Love when that happens! I don't like wrestling with music; I don't have the patience to see songs through. I've shelved more ideas than I care to count (it'd be a bit depressing.) I also stumbled across lyrics I had written years ago and they seemed like such a fresh revelation to me. I sat at the piano with those words in front of me and started playing, and it felt like God was telling me to keep going. It's very cool that words I wrote literally 4 years ago now seem so relevant to where our church is. I'm not sure if the song will be used, but it gave me new insight into the life of our church right now. Very cool.

So yes, my single-parenthood is almost at an end. I can't WAIT to see Chris, yet I'm so thankful for this time. I've seen God work in my life and I'm grateful that He's used this time to draw me more to Himself. He is Sovereign God and Lord of my life; He knows just what I need before I need it, and I love that He ordained these days just for me.

Well, he's gone...

2008-07-24T14:35:00.003-04:00

Booo. This totally sucks. Okay, it's not that bad, and Chris has only been gone 2 1/2 hours and he's not even out of the country yet, but I kinda like that guy. And I do NOT like when he's gone. Packing and running around went very smoothly. He was pretty organized (I had a small part in that!) It was good - no tears, lots of hugs and kisses and we took a couple of pictures, just for posterity's sake (and so that he won't forget us!) I really do miss him when he's gone. I'm really proud of him for doing this and I think, and have been praying, that he'll do so well over there. He has a deep passion to share the Good News of Jesus Christ and he has such a heart for the lost. I pray that God will really use him in Serbia and that this sacrifice would bear much fruit. Of course, we'll each be learning profound lessons while he's gone.

I've already been so blessed by the peace of God as we've been moving toward this week. I haven't been plagued by the usual worry and anxiety that I would normally be feeling before being separated from Chris. I know this can only come from God as it's not something I've been able to overcome myself. I'm praying in the days ahead that I wouldn't feel fear being alone at night, that I wouldn't become impatient with Olivia - being the sole parent for almost 2 weeks - and that I wouldn't wish the 11 days to go so quickly that I don't take the time to lean on the Lord and find joy in His presence despite my circumstances. I also need to pray that the Lord would work on my heart and my attitude. I've found it a little difficult being the "only one" not going on this trip. I know that's not exactly true, but 2 couples are going together and travelling afterwards and Chris is the only married person there without his spouse. It's really weird that I haven't experienced any of this with him, other than what he's filled me in on. Also, it's not exactly easy to hear from the other people that "it's going to be so hard to share with everyone back home what we've learned because they just won't understand" and "you just become so bonded with the people you travel and do missions with that I hope we'll always be close." That's hard to hear as the wife staying home with the child. I'm really trying hard not to make it about me, but I wish people would think a little before they said things like that! Now, I know my husband and know he's not like that. I know he'll be brimming over with news and just bursting to tell me all his lessons and experiences and wanting to include me in what that means for his future. I thank God for the wonderful man He has blessed me with! Everyday I'm gaining a deeper appreciation for the very good husband and person Chris is.

One more thing, Albertine by Brooke Fraser is my new favourite cd. She is just such a gifted songwriter. She writes beautiful melodies and is a really deep thinker. Think Sara Groves, but cooler and an even better voice. That's my little plug for which I will receive absolutely no royalties.

Now I'm off to go shopping because, well, it's better than eating a load of chocolate to make myself feel better...

It's so hot

2008-07-16T15:08:00.003-04:00

So, Olivia is asleep, it's a thousand degrees, I've nothing else to do, so I'll write something.

This past weekend, Chris & I went away for our first ever weekend alone. Okay, it wasn't really *alone* because we were with 5 other couples, but it was child-free, so that's pretty much the same thing. We went to a gorgeous cottage in Muskoka and it was lovely and relaxing and fun. The day before we left, I was scared to death to leave her. I thought "there's no way I can drive away." I never thought I'd be one of those sappy, obsessed mothers, but apparently I am. I'm happy to report that we drove away and I was fine (I should mention that she was having a nap. I don't think I could have taken watching her wave at the door.) So we drove all the way to Muskoka and I was glad we were the second couple there because we got an actual bedroom (as opposed to the loft above the boathouse) and we got a real live bed. Hurray, no air mattress! Okay, it was a futon mattress, so kinda lumpy, but it didn't deflate down to nothing by the morning so that the only thing between you and the floor is a bit of velvet-covered rubber. We had a great meal and a campfire and I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I was happy when another wife was ready to go to bed. You never want to be the first loser and feel like you're missing out on all the fun. Which I did, because everyone went swimming. Actually, I didn't miss out because I just can't stand swimming in dark lakes where people FISH. Not only do I find it gross, I'm terrified of a fish touching me. Real, actual fear. Saturday and Sunday were spent relaxing, which I've found out I can only do so much of. I think my ideal vacation is equal parts relaxing, shopping and sight-seeing. I like relaxing, but I also get a little bored just sitting around on a dock (that and I'm a redhead. Hello, sunburn.) So when I heard that more lettuce was needed I begged Chris to take me to the nearest little town so we could walk around. Our friend lent us his mini Cooper and that is a fantastic little car. So much fun to zip around in. Chris was in his glory because of all the twisty, turny roads and the car was a standard. I swear standards bring out the inner race car driver in all men. We went to Port Carling and it was nice to just be with him and walk around a bit. We don't get to see each other a lot! Another night of swimming, and a fire was attempted but it was ridiculously hot. It rained a bit so we all migrated to the porch to play Catch Phrase, which is a seriously excellent game. I know, games are kinda nerdy, but it was raining and it was after midnight when people think less clearly, thereby making it even more hilarious. Sunday morning was more relaxing and swimming and packing, and everyone left around lunch. We were able to make it home before Olivia went to bed, so that was fun. She was really excited to see us. She just squealed and jumped for about 20 minutes.

Very fun weekend, but it left me thinking. We were the only Christians there and the only ones who were never drunk. On the way home, Chris and I talked about how empty and sad it often seemed. The other thing is that I got home and felt so far from God. Going 2 days with nobody talking about faith is really strange for me. I realized how I've surrounded and protected myself with people who think the same as me, believe as I do, and openly praise their Creator. I think that makes it easier to be strong around people who don't think as you do. It kind of buoys you up for those difficult times. Chris and I talked about how to ever get through to these people. They don't hate God, but they are living in ways and loving things so opposed to His plan. I guess all we can do is entrust these people to Him, ask for opportunities and be obedient with what He gives us to do.

So yes, fun weekend, but so good to be Home.

Blaahhh

2008-06-19T13:43:00.003-04:00

Okay, I'm so sick. Olivia started it, but then I caught it. It's some kind of nasty stomach flu that is taking its sweet time working its way through my system. And without going into too much detail, I know for sure that I am *not* pregnant, just in case someone was wondering.

That reminds me of a funny moment on Sunday - actually it was half-funny and half-irritating. So Chris & I were at church early for music and the day before I had been talking to a friend who is a few weeks away from having her first child. She mentioned not knowing exactly what to dress this wee one in, so when I got home Saturday night, I pulled a few of Olivia's things that I absolutely could not have done without and put them in a bag to take to church. I gave her the bag and she said thanks and that she would keep track of all the stuff to give back to me. I told her that would be great since we didn't know when our next one would come along and whether it would even be a girl. At that moment she proceeded to look straight at my stomach. Didn't even try to hide it! You couldn't call it a glance, because a person glancing at least tries to pretend they aren't glancing. Okay, I know I was talking about babies and wearing an empire-waisted top, but man, you don't have to be so obvious about it! The real reason it was a little irritating is because she is the same person that when I had gone off birth control, she found out and in front of a bunch of people asked me if "we were trying and oh my gosh! are you pregnant?" I had known this woman all of 3 months at that point. I had no idea at the time, but it turned out I was in fact pregnant, so you can imagine my little bit of concern this time when she glanced (hah!) "knowingly" at my stomach! But as I said, this is a true stomach bug. Trust me, I would know. :)

I hate exercise

2008-06-12T12:42:00.003-04:00

So I've started running. Actually, I've started jogging and I'm sure it's a very painful, pathetic thing to watch because I find it painful and I feel pathetic. I'm trying to be disciplined, trying to be healthy, trying to be motivated. Key word: trying. I've figured out that I'm supremely un-athletic and in tremendously bad shape and I absolutely hate anything that requires exertion, but at least I'm doing it. I've kicked myself in the pants, so to say, and I've actually been out at 6:30 A.M. (I wish I could get that to light up and flash) the last few days (not Tuesday - it was raining and I'm not quite ready for that. Plus, I read about a guy who got electrocuted when his iPod acted like a lightning rod. A tiny bit paranoid now.) So anyway, I've started. I look and feel like a fool, but I'm trying to be more disciplined in all areas of my life, and this is the best thing I can think of. Plus, I don't have to go to a gym, I can do it anywhere and it's done in 1/2 an hour (read: I'm not quite ready for marathons.)

It's been a while

2008-06-08T13:35:00.002-04:00

Okay, a LONG while. I don't know... I just can't think of anything interesting to write. I read friends' posts and they're not writing about anything earth-shattering, but somehow it seems funnier and more "blog-worthy." Don't get me wrong; I love my life and am not in the least bit bored, but I don't know how interesting it is to *other* people!

One interesting thing is that Olivia turned 1 on Tuesday the 3rd. I absolutely can't believe that she's a year old already. Time has absolutely flown by. When I think back to a year ago, it makes my head spin. A year ago, I was still in the hospital (stupid leg!) A year ago, we met our daughter. At the same time, it feels like she's always been here. We're so in love with her and get such joy from her, that it seems like she's always been around. It was definitely a reflective day for me and on more than one occasion, I found myself getting a little teary.

I've learned a lot in the past year. I've needed to look to God for strength, rest, patience and contentment. On the flip side, I've seen how much joy He can bless you with. I've seen how much loving another person can change you so dramatically. By no means is He finished with me, but I've grown more in the last year than I ever thought possible. I'm not even talking growth through challenge. I'm talking about Him working on my heart: teaching me love, patience, kindness, gentleness, compassion all through my husband and a tiny little person. Seriously, this is the way I want to learn - all warm and cozy and smiley! But I've experienced the other kind of growth: patience when I couldn't walk; contentment when we were in a 1-bedroom apartment; love instead of irritability when I was so exhausted.

God is incredibly good to me and He's shown Himself faithful time and time again in my life. He's provided me with everything I need for a life spent following Him. He's never given me a challenge for which He hasn't prepared me. He's never left me to flounder on my own. More importantly, He's never left me. I mean that in two ways. He's always with me and will never forsake me. AND He doesn't leave me the way I am. He wants more *for* me and more *from* me and for that I am exceedingly grateful.

A few things

2008-04-18T21:50:00.002-04:00

First of all, happy news: Baby O actually ate real live people food! Okay, it was just slow-cooked potatoes (really mushy) and she chomped on an apple slice, but that's huge news at our house. So far, this child has flatly refused anything that was not milk-based and did not come out of a bottle.

On another Baby O-note: there's been a bit of an outcry about some toxins, BPA, all enormous latin-y sounding words I'll never hope to pronounce, let alone spell. The toxins are contained in clear plastic bottles, like Avent, Playtex and even Nalgene water bottles. So major retailers have pulled them off their shelves. That leaves me as a parent to wonder if this is all an overreaction on Health Canada's part or if they are really on to something. As I understand it, the problem is that these toxins are the chemical form of estrogen, leading to breast cancer, prostate cancer and other problems. Because babies are so immature in their development, it could have serious effects on them. I know these bottles have been around for years, but I started to wonder if I could ignore this information now that I know about it. It could all turn out to be nothing, but it could turn out to be a seriously potential problem that I could have avoided. So, I went and spent a fortune on some environmentally-friendly, baby-friendly bottles and hopefully we're safe now. Until I hear that these new bottles emit something even more toxic and harmful. It got me thinking about how safe can I really keep her? There's always going to be something. I guess we can only do what we think is best and do what we can to keep her safe. It's a scary world for a tiny one.

Something else exciting: Chris & I have agreed to lead worship at a missions conference in Virginia in December. I don't know when exactly, where exactly, or the name of the conference - all very sketchy sounding, I know! - but so exciting, right? For goodness sake, I don't feel up to these challenges God keeps presenting us with. I know being humble is a good place to be because He can go before me, rather than me race on ahead. I know He has equipped me for all He has called me to, but I just feel so inadequate. Why me? I know He can work through anybody (like me, the worst of all sinners) but there seems to be far more godly and talented people out there. We'll see how it goes. Reading back over these sentences, I keep seeing the phrase "I know." Well, NOW I know that I need to trust Him more. Trust that what He says is true; trust that His plan is perfect; trust that He will be glorified regardless, and all the better for me if I seek to do the glorifying. Be still and *know* that He is God.

One more thing, I just favourited a Spurgeon site. I've been reading snippets of his writing and sermons, and man, what a cool guy! I'm looking forward to reading more. Maybe I'll even learn something!

Project Hannah

2008-03-28T00:52:00.002-04:00

Tonight at church there was a Project Hannah awareness evening. Let me say that it was beautiful, touching, gripping, sad, gut-wrenching and horrifying. This is such an amazing ministry and I was glad to help out in such a small way tonight. I led worship and also sang a special piece with a gorgeous video by LB. I think God moved powerfully and it was such an answer to prayer because I showed up late, in a rather foul mood and with no answers for the multitude of questions asked of me. I knew I was frustrating people with my "I have no idea" answers, but I really meant it when I said that I was just singing. I wasn't in charge of anything other than the actual music. I had no idea how they wanted the stage to look; I had no idea when we were supposed to be up. I know I was supposed to be the "leader" but I felt like yelling, how am I supposed to know??? Anyway, we prayed, got rolling and minus the minor technical glitch of a blown fuse in the projector booth (I say minor!) it turned out fine. See what happens when you leave it all in God's hands? That, and I had to confess of my many sins this evening to a few people!

The founder, Marli, spoke and she is a dynamo, a pretty incredible woman. At one point, she told about how she got started in the ministry. She kept seeing the plight of women around the world and opened her hands to the Lord and said "use me." Those 2 words are pretty powerful. Never before have I been touched the way I was tonight. I'm not sure if anything big will come of it, but I uttered the same prayer. Maybe my job is to be one of their many prayer warriors; maybe my job is music; maybe it's something else. But the point is, tonight is the first night where, in response to a mission or ministry presentation, I actually wanted the Lord to use me. Maybe it's because she is a really compelling speaker and I want to tell a story similar to hers, and maybe it's because the women of the world have it really hard. Whatever it was, I was stirred and convicted and I was glad for that. I'd been praying in anticipation for leading that I, along with all the people gathered, wouldn't listen with complacent hearts, but have an attitude of mercy, compassion, love and hope. The Lord answered that prayer in my own heart tonight and that is pretty cool. We serve an amazing God, a God of Hope and I really just want to do my part.

Meme

2008-03-12T01:00:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I don't really know what that word means, but my sweet friend tagged me and it seemed like a fun idea. Also, Jess has been bugging me to do it and assured me I wouldn't look like a loser just because I didn't have anyone to tag, so here goes.

This is how you play:

1. Write your own six word memoir
2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like
3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere
4 .Tag five more blogs with links
5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play!

This is what I would love to say:
I live to bring Him praise

This is a more accurate reflection, so it's what I'll go with:
Lord, I am prone to wander

I intentionally put the first in a lovely, royal purple colour because it's just what my life should be: serving and bringing praise to my King of kings. I also intentionally put the second in a yucky, blecchh-y kind of colour because it's so sad and pitiful to say about myself, but so true. I trade the spendor of a King for the rubbish and mud of this world. Why? Because I'm a sinner, but I'm thankful that by God's grace, I have eyes to see and ears to hear that His love is better than life.

(By the way, I figured you artsy types would appreciate the colours!)

More babies!

2008-02-26T14:25:00.002-05:00

It seems I'm surrounded by babies or pregnant women these days. I should make a point of saying that we have kind of put #2 on hold for the moment because life could get pretty busy. I realize that we're only putting this little person on hold in our minds; God could "unpause" at any time and we'll be surprised and grateful at His timing.

So we had originally thought that a December-January baby would be great. It fit with our desire to have the two close together but then we were approached about potentially leading worship at a mission conference in December in the states. Not a good time to be heavily pregnant/due/overdue. I don't even think I'd be covered by insurance and no matter how much I would love this child, I would not love paying upwards of $6,000 just to have him or her if they happened to arrive while we were in the US. That coupled with the realization that duh... we'll be leading a cell group next year and would really like to finish out the year and have the whole summer with the baby rather than one or both of us having to stop for a few weeks in the middle of the cell year. So what "we" have decided (and I put that in quotation marks because I fully trust God's timing) is that an April-May baby would suit us just fine. So no, I'm not pregnant! However, I think everyone around me is. I know that's an exaggeration, but it sure feels like it. The truth is, I have been utterly surprised and delighted at how much I love being a mum. I love my daughter so much and rather than taking away from my marriage, parenthood has only served to enhance and strengthen it. I love what it's done to me as a person and more importantly, as a Christ-follower.

I've come to see that I do really want this next child, but I trust that this isn't the time, not yet anyway. I need to continue to go to God with this and that whatever happens, whatever comes up, He is in control and His timing is perfect. I see the need to serve Him with my whole life: marriage, motherhood, music and cell group. As long as I give my life to His calling and seek His will, I'll be able to find joy in all He has planned for me because, don't get me wrong, there is some exciting stuff ahead!

Awww babies!

2008-02-20T10:40:00.003-05:00

So yesterday morning we got the message that G & A had their baby! So, so exciting! Well better yet, we got to go see all of them last night. I'll write about that in a sec, but first I have to share my little drama leading up to it.

When Chris let me know we'd be visiting them at Vic, I went out to buy a gift for the baby and a little something for Anne. I was driving home from Hyde Park and as I hit Aldersbrook my car started stuttering but I kept on trucking. Then it wouldn't accelerate so I limped down Lawson and when I was within 2 blocks (2 blocks!!) of my house, it locked up completely. Yep, you guessed it, out of gas. Seriously, I thought the light had just gone on and I thought we'd fill up on our way, but Chris informed me it had been on since the day before. I'm of the school of thought that if the gas light goes on, you fill up. He, apparently, isn't. So I'm ashamed to say that my temper got the better of me and my short walk home didn't help. Chris asked if I'd put the hazards on and I was proud to say that I'd had the forethought to do that! Anyway, Chris brought one of those gas tanks, we filled up and went on our way.

So back to the baby. We got to Vic, promptly got lost in the hospital, and then bumped into Eric and Kerry at the elevators so they pointed us in the right direction. Honestly, couldn't hospitals be laid out a little better? I have not been to one hospital where I found it easy to figure out where I wanted to go. Anyway... we chatted with them for a minute, Ava showed us how she could walk a few steps and then we went to see the new family. Craig & Julie were already there, so we joined the party. Anne looked fantastic, if a little weary, and Graham looked so proud and excited. And Jacob? Well, he is just the sweetest little boy. I think it must be a phenomenon of motherhood that you promptly tear up the minute you hold a new baby. It wasn't all my fault, he was really cute! I was so proud of Anne - she didn't complain about anything and she could have. She had a rough ride, not to mention a rough month leading up to it. But she was very relaxed and matter-of-fact about the whole thing. So they're a lovely new family and they'll be heading home soon and we're just so excited for them. It really is a miracle when a child is born and he is already blessed. I can't imagine 2 people more suited and prepared to be parents. They will shower him with love and raise him in the ways of the Lord and what better start could a little boy have?

And then on the way out Chris said, "Let's do that again." Olivia is not even 9 months old.

So I'm not good at this blogging thing

2008-02-09T14:02:00.001-05:00

See? I knew this would happen! I had it in mind that I would faithfully jot down my thoughts and goings-on but I've written four entries - four! I suck at this! In my defense, it's been a rather crazy few weeks around here.

It all started when Olivia got the flu and was downright miserable. She is a little trooper though, and wasn't too grouchy, she just was not herself. She was very malaise and wanted to be cuddled non-stop, which was pretty sweet, actually. She's not a terribly cuddly child, she likes it for a minute or two, but then would rather start jumping and playing. So to have her cuddled on my lap all day was a nice change. Sad for her, but rather nice for me. Of course it meant that I got absolutely nothing done for those couple of days and then I caught the flu. It's a nasty one. It doesn't last long, but man, is it vicious! It hit Chris exactly 6 hours later and so we were all laid up on our backs for 2 days. My Mum took Olivia one of those days which was an absolute blessing because she was starting to feel better and would rather have been playing than laying down.

So there we were, sick as dogs, and knowing we had about 20 people coming for lunch that Sunday. It was Liv's dedication at church and we'd invited a lot of family both to the service and then over to our house for lunch. So late Saturday night, we did some whirlwind cleaning and Chris got the necessary groceries. My Mum was awesome and was bringing two homemade soups and a salad - don't know what I would do without her! Thankfully by Sunday morning, Chris & Liv were feeling better. I was still feeling pretty crummy, but makeup and a hair straightener can do wonders! It was a really lovely service and I think I was teary through most of it. Olivia was very well-behaved and even pretty cheery considering her lousy week. She jumped and was excited through the Lion King video and then entertained everyone by playing with her red shoes on stage. Can I just say what a joy she is? I just can't get enough of her! We had a bunch of non-Christian guests invited and I think it was a really good, non-threatening service for them to be at, which I was very thankful for. Then, as I said, everyone came to our house for lunch. It was crazy full, but lots of fun and I think everyone enjoyed themselves.

Mike's sermon got me to thinking about #2. He talked a lot about helping your child see that they are not the centre of the universe, which of course, they are made to feel! Chris & I have been talking about how we want two children and would like them fairly close together. We've mentioned this a lot, partly so that people will know it was planned and not because we're biologically ignorant about reproduction! So anyway, Mike, inadvertenly, kind of confirmed this for us. Sometimes it breaks my heart to think it won't be just Olivia anymore. I wonder how I could possibly love another child with the same intensity that I love her. Then I realize that this is selfish on my part. It's not healthy for her or for me. I want to avoid the danger of becoming so wrapped up in my child(ren) that I find my indentity in them. I think spreading out the love will be good for her and for me. Now, I don't pretend to think that two children under the age of 2 will be easy (although many people think they are being helpful by pointing that out) but I do believe that a lot of busyness and exhaustion for the next few years will only be beneficial for them down the road. Maybe I'm naive, but I'd rather think of my children and the potential relationship they can have rather than think of how busy and tired I'll be!

This is just short, but really important

2008-01-23T12:39:00.000-05:00

Can I just say how brilliant I think my daughter is?

At our house we have a kind of pass-through window between our kitchen and living room. Yesterday as I was cleaning for a little get-together, I had Olivia in her jumparoo to keep her entertained while I was busy in the kitchen. I called her name and waved to her through the pass-through. She grinned from ear to ear (no surprise there, she grins all the time) and waved back! It's kind of astounding how much they can learn and change. It totally warmed my heart and made me smile in the midst of boring cleaning.

See? I said this would be short, but important, right?

What Challenges Lie Ahead

2008-01-19T22:20:00.001-05:00

Oh, my heart is in a tricky place at the moment. So much to deal with, so many ways to change.

First, I've come to the conclusion that I seriously need to rethink how I speak to people and how I deal with what they say to me. Too often I say whatever I feel like, however I feel like and don't think about the consequences. Other times I think about the consequences, but don't think people should feel the way they do about the things I say. However, I get to feel hurt and bitterness and unforgiveness and someone, other than me, should have to pay. So what I've come to realize is that I can't have it both ways because they really both come down to the same issue: my heart. I've begun earnestly (and I meant to italicize that) ask God that He would change my heart and by His grace, allow me to become more like Him. I absolutely love this about Him: that He calls us to a standard and makes a way for us to meet Him there. He is not an unfair, unloving God watching and waiting for us to fail, but a God Who loves us enough to want more for us and from us. I pray that He would cause me to love people so much that I would change the way I speak and that I would choose forgivness, always, even when it hurts (or when I don't think they deserve it!)

The second issue is that Chris & I have been dealing with people close to us being very critical of a ministry we are both intensely involved in and intensely passionate about. We are at the point where it's getting hard to brush off the comments as they are coming so frequently and are so unvarying. One of the good lessons I've learned is that Chris is so loving and forgiving. I would have been content to say 'forget it' or have it out with them. Instead, he prays for a change of heart and gently admonishes and challenges when necessary. I am continually grateful for the man that God has blessed me with. I learn so much from him and he is such an example of what a Christ-follower should look like. He's certainly not perfect, but I look around me and I see how much he stands out. I can only pray that God will continue to use Chris to teach me and challenge me and most of all, love me. That doesn't make this second issue go away, but it makes it so much more bearable. Imagine being alone and the brunt of criticisms. Imagine being alone and having to be the example of Christ when you feel like you just can't do it any more. I thank God for marriage, specifically my marriage.

I will continue to pray and by God's grace, continue to grow and change.

Today at church

2008-01-06T22:55:00.001-05:00

So today was a challenge to be a big loser for God. What am I going to give up or change to see my relationship with God change? I have to admit that usually these types of sermons don't really inspire me. I try to focus and apply myself, but more often than not, my eyes glaze over and my mind starts drifting (usually to the mall!) For some reason - obviously the Holy Spirit was truly at work - it really made me think. Graham made three points and each hit home, really hit home.

1. I need to use and choose my words very carefully. I so often speak flippantly, critically and I really am ashamed of that. I could use my words so much more effectively. I could use them to honour God. I could use them to build another up, to offer an encouragement or words of appreciation. I could pray over my daughter. I could tell my husband just how much I truly love him. Instead I choose to complain, criticize and judge. Lord, please forgive this sinful mouth that so often hurts rather than loves. Please tame my tongue and use it for good, to glorify You.

2. I need to be careful of what goes into my head and heart. Graham spoke of how much rubbish is stored in our brains. How much space there would be for the Word of God if I just chose scripture instead of tv. Lord, please fan into flame a desire for Your word. Allow it to penetrate and change this sinful heart. Fill my mind with things that are pleasing to You, rather than the things of this fleeting life.

3. I need to listen to God. Unfortunately, I think this is where I fail the most. It seems like such a simple thing, in theory, but oh so challenging for me. I pray and ask God to speak to me, but it's just so hard to turn my thoughts off. I wonder if I even want to hear from Him, or if I'm just too scared to hear what He might have to say to me. Lord, please change my fickle heart and allow me to really connect with you. I know only by your grace and power will I ever change, but please help me to want more of you in my life. Help me to desire Your voice more than anything else, even if what You say scares me.

Lord, above all else, help me to desire You. I know only You can change me, but I know I have to do the work. Thank you for Your mercy, grace, and I must say, Your patience. Your faithfulness and love for me astound me. I pray I would always be amazed at Your goodness, never complacent.

New Year, New Blog

2008-01-03T00:17:00.000-05:00

Okay, so to follow in the footsteps of good (and much cooler) friends, I've started a blog. Yes, I do realize this is not a new thing I've discovered and that I'm rather behind the times, but I'm starting nonetheless. I've never been a faithful journaler (is that a word?) but maybe this will be different. I do like the idea of journaling, the idea of saving your thoughts, reading them and learning from them later, I just wasn't very good at it. Now anyone can read my journal! Didn't Ann Frank say something about that in her diary? I'll just try not write anything as embarrassing as her since, unlike poor Ann, I do know people will read this. Unless I'm supremely uncool as I've always feared I am, and nobody does read this. Yikes, another form of rejection! Well, if anything, this will be a good lesson for dealing with my pride. So, we shall see...